It’s official — and weirdly radical— the Boy Scouts of America will now welcome girls.
The Scouts announced on Wednesday that it will soon drop the word “boy” from its namesake program and begin to welcome older girls into the Eagle Scouts. The announcement sent a shockwave of terror through alt-right Twitter, leading right-wing bots and Jordan Peterson egg avatar types to claim that America is dead.
BREAKING: It is not. Instead, the Boy Scouts reformed for the better. The proof is in these new, modern masculine Scouts badges they’ll all soon have to earn.
While the Scouts have yet to *officially* embrace these badges I just made up, they will be happening — according to my seven-year-old cousin who promised to make his troop leader do it or else.
Scouts who are both currently serving and male: if you have any hope of becoming an Eagle Scout, you’re going to have to werk for these badges. Rex Tillerson, this means you.
1. The Emotional Intelligence Badge
This Emotional Intelligence Badge will be a particularly hard one to procure. To qualify, a male Scout must ask his fellow female Scout “how her day is going” and then actually listen to her reply. He is not permitted to yammer on about his own day unprompted.
2. The Silence Badge
Scouts who earn the Silence Badge are required to spend at least three months in history class without offering their commentary on cryptocurrency.
3. The Bed Frame Badge
This badge is for Scouts who pledge to buy a bed frame in their twenties and not just throw some dumb futon mattress on the floor.
4. The Basketbeta Badge
To qualify for the Basketbeta Badge, interested Scouts must be able to play multiple games of co-educational basketball without throwing all their passes to fellow boy players or declaring that girl athletes aren’t as good.
5. The Whole Foods Badge
This badge is for Scouts who are able to go at least three lunch periods without squirting a bunch of gross condiments together before swallowing them and insisting that “it’s funny!”
6. The Winter Pants Badge
The Winter Pants Badge is awarded to Scouts who don’t need to declare their masculinity by wearing shorts in the winter and demanding that they’re “NOT COLD.”
7. The Movie Minimizer Badge
Many young boys struggle to watch an action movie and not narrate every single detail of the movie after they view it. Scout leaders will grant the Movie Minimizer Badge to kids who successfully view a movie and choose to keep their movie summaries brief.
8. The Ding-Dong-Dang Badge
The Ding-Dong-Dang Badge will be given to Scouts who make it through 20 minutes of a Scout meeting without cracking a dick joke.
9. The Well, Actually Badge
The “Well, Actually” Badge is offered to bright young Scouts who maintain a record of academic excellence without ever starting a sentence with “Well, Actually” or quoting Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
10. The Girl Scout Badge
The Girl Scout Badge will be awarded to Scouts who welcome girls into their troop without bragging that Boy Scouts have better trips. The Girl Scout badge will be awarded to boys who hold themselves to the same high ethical standards Girl Scouts always have.